Friday, November 15, 2013

"Michell's Weekly Pearl"...(at my wits end)



advice column  dealing with tough love
As always, I thank you for joining me for another edition of  "Michell's Weekly Pearl", where I seek to use Godly wisdom to offer encouragement. If this is your first time visiting, I'll tell you a little about my advice series. This is where you can ask me anything on marriage, women's issues, family matters, relationships, parenting, homemaking, or life in general. If you want an honest, biblically based, to the point answer; email me your questions via prowessandpearls@gmail.com (please put "MWP" in the subject area). I'll post your question, along with my answer, anonymously. Easy as that! I'll also delete your email once I've transferred your question. To read all the questions and answers in this series, you can do so (HERE).

Keep sending in those questions!!! In the meantime, read on to see what "At My Wits End" asked...



Hi Michelle. I’m writing because I’m at my wits end with my daughter. She's 17 and has been leaving the house and coming and going as she pleases. She doesn’t listen to me and she disrespects me all the time(cursing, slamming doors in my face) to name a few. She has been doing this since she was 13. Maybe I’m missing something, I just don’t know.  I need to mention that she has a younger sister and this affects her all the time. She tells me she would never do those things, but I see her mood starting to change. Wanted to know if you’ve come across situations like this with teenagers in your church, if so, what kind of advice have you given?


Hi “At My Wits End”! Thank you so much for your question! My heart goes out to you, because the last thing a parent ever wants to experience, when they’ve brought a child into this world, is to have them show such dishonor. I’m left to assume that you don’t have a minister and/or you’re not able to sit down with them. If it’s the latter, I advise you to meet with them immediately. If it’s the former, then here goes. Some children can have very strong wills when they are younger. I tell parents all the time, discipline doesn’t start when you start seeing bad behavior. You should begin setting values and principles as soon as they are able to comprehend (there are many opinions out there on when a child can comprehend). I could go on about that, but I'll save it for another time! Anywho, many parents make the mistake of thinking certain behavior is cute when a child is young. Because we think that way at times, we let certain things go and by the time we look up, they have gotten out of hand. Not saying that you have done this, because I don't know your situation, but I do know that with many cases this is how it starts, unless it's an unusual case. I know it’s easier said than done, but as parents we must learn to nip things in the bud when first noticed. You mentioned she started this behavior at 13, but I’ve got a feeling she showed signs well before she turned 13. With that being said, we can’t go back and change the past, so we’ll deal with the present. I'm curious to know if you have a good support base, i.e.( parents, siblings, other family members and friends)? Is her father involved in her life? I ask, because I can't see them not trying to intervene or give you some kind of advice. If you do have a good support base, there needs to be a serious intervention. Because I don't know exactly the dynamics of your family, I'm left to give you advice based on assumption.  Kids who lash out, do it for one of two reasons, they have either been traumatized(abused physical, mentally, verbally or sexually) or they are rebelling. If it's the former, get her some help ASAP, seriously!! I know too many families that have been ruined because parents put their heads in the sand when their children were being taken advantage of. If its the latter, I would consider the following options. You can give your daughter an ultimatum. Let her know that all bets are off. You can set the ground rules as to what you're requiring from her. If you give her one, two or three chances, that's up to you, BUT you must follow through with the consequences. You don't have to kick her on the streets, but you can talk with other family members and come up with a game plan to make arrangements for her to stay with them. Usually kids act up with their parents because they know they can get away with it. They don't usually let someone else see that side and they dare not show out with another adult. I'm not sure when she'll be 18, but in some states she's considered an adult at 17. With that being said, if none of the above situations work out, then you may have to ask her to leave. Remember, you still have your youngest daughter to consider and she is following the rules. I know a lot of people will disagree, but you've got your other daughter to consider. She may say it's not affecting her, but I can guarantee you, its starting to affect her and affect her severely. Before it gets any worse or before a physical altercation happens where someone can get injured, something needs to be done ASAP. This is where “tough love” has to set in. Many parents hate to do this, but sometimes situations have gone too far to where there’s not another resort. With that being said, you have a decision to make; to not only save your family, but to restore the peace back to your home. I'll be emailing you to follow up, as I really want to see you get this issue resolved. Will be praying for you and your family, have a blessed weekend.
Proverbs 19:18, Proverbs 22:6, Proverbs 29:17, Ephesians 6:1-4, Hebrews 12:11



I’ve been married for over 24 years to my husband, a pastor. I’ve worked alongside him in ministry full-time for over 17 years. During that time, we've pioneered two ministries and I've established a women’s ministry(Women of Excellence). We have three adult children and a son-in-law.  My areas of specialty are family, marriage and women’s issues. Hopefully the (Godly)wisdom I’ve learned through my years of experience will lead you to and keep you on the road to doing you well!  As my husband always says...why spend your life going down a road you don't have to travel, when someone else has already learned the lesson and can show you how to avoid that path.  

*Disclaimer*: I don't profess to be an expert, but what I have learned...I'm willing to share.  With that being said...what I write on my blog is my opinion and advice. It is not my counsel. This also applies to anyone writing on this blog. If someone uses any advice, opinion or recommendation from this blog and is upset, angered, or harmed in any way, I am not to be held responsible or be held liable in any way. What I write on this blog is not to be taken as fact or absolute. My intention is to do no harm. The content in this blog is the opinion of this blogger and is not intended to disparage or malign anyone or anything that has the ability to be offended. I am not responsible, nor will I be held liable, for anything anyone says on this blog in the blog comments.
All Rights Reserved copyright© 2012-2013 Michell Pulliam “Prowess and Pearls” by Michell Pulliam










Follow on Bloglovin



*Enter your email below to receive notifications of new posts*
Enter your email address:


Delivered by FeedBurner

9 comments:

  1. Love how you said follow through with the consequences. Very important. Love you friend, Happy Friday!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Does tough love include 2 to the chest, IJS! I know that is not the "American way", with time out and all that jazz but that's all I could think while reading her description of that 17 y/o. I like the ultimatum with consequences I already mentioned. YES I can say that I was threatened all the time, but it goes back to what you said. The fear was placed in my heart from as far back as I can remember. When my Daddy said do something, 99.9% of the time it got done. Now it may have been 90% with my Mother :), but it still got done for fear of being handled. To each his own. A 17 y/o is pretty much an adult, so maybe going elsewhere is not such a bad idea!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha Joi!! I know that's right! You and I grew up alike! We dare not talk back or not obey...WHAT!? :-D

      Delete
  3. Each week's dilemma is so tough, Michell. My heart really does go out to this mother {and I know yours does, too}. In addition to following your advice about having a serious talk with her daughter, I would be speaking words of faith out loud. I totally heard this from Joel Osteen - and I do it sometimes when the kids are having crazy days - I say, "Rebellion, you have got to go. Defiant attitude, I cast you away from my children. Disrespect, you are not welcome in my home and must flee from my children." Y'all may think I am crazy, but didn't the Lord say if we TOLD a mountain to move, it would move? ;) I will pray for this woman and her family, declaring PEACE and honor visits their home. XOXO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No ma'am!! Don't think you're crazy at all!! ;-) The spirit of faith is...I believe therefore I speak!! Yes, Meredith, will definitely be praying for all involved! Thanks for sharing my friend!

      Delete
  4. Whew reading situations like those make me happy that I don't have deal with those terrible teen years. But seriously, good advice you have given her Michell.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha Wanda...I'm sure you do! Thanks my friend! ;-)

      Delete
  5. Oh that is my deepest fear... that my daughter will become disrespectful and I loved your advice- it's spot on as always, Michell. I hope and pray this mom can find some means to change and transform the home and this daughter soon and she can restore some respect back into their relationship. Poor mama! And bless the young sister's heart... she is going to pick up that influence (seems to be doing it now) and then there will be another agonizing season ahead of her.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks so much for dropping by...I really appreciate it! Please check back for a response to your comment, as I post all responses to comments here on the blog, not via email. Please note, as this is a Christian blog...any comment that contains offensive and/or inappropriate language will be sent to the authorities...NAH, but seriously though, they WILL BE deleted. :-) Have a great day...I call you blessed! ;-)